Archive | January 2015

Melancholy

Another day.

I’m finding it quite hard at work – I want somebody to ask me how I’m doing and to be able to sit and bore them with everything sad that happened over the holiday (quite a lot).

  • 1st Christmas without Mum, and all the ensuing logistical and emotional chaos
  • Dad and Sister fighting
    • Segue – they had a proper bust-up yesterday, where she came back home after avoiding him at her boyfriend’s house only to have him call her a whore and be generally unpleasant. Unfortunately my advice to ignore him came by the time she’d already called him an ungrateful git, so hey ho. I think she’s leaving the house today, either for her ex’s mum’s house (hmm) or back to uni. No word from him on the situation as yet.
  • Lack of any actual relaxing time for myself over the break
  • The Scattering. Unpleasant.
  • That horrible dream I had where my younger son died after falling off my lap down the side of a building and a woman held his body out to me saying that he didn’t exist any more.
  • The overwhelming feeling I have that the world is too full of things to be sad about and that I’m going to drown in them if I don’t find a raft of happy thoughts to cling to.
  • That meeting with the doctor where she explained the whole ‘aggressive metastatic relapse’ concept. Not nice.
  • That walk with my aunt where she explained that she got the menopause at 40 rather than 45 (admittedly not personally relevant to me but I do get a slight shudder whenever I think of how close I might have got to not having kids)
  • The fact that my younger son has got approximately 12 words when he should be using (not KNOW, mark you, but be USING) over 400 at this age.
  • I’m worried about another potentially pre-cancerous mole on my back, plus a painful one on my face.
  • I’m overweight and my clothes don’t fit as well as they could and my shoes hurt my feet. And my hair looks untidy and always will.
  • Basically, WAH WAH WAH.

These are things that are currently making me sad.

I feel like I ought to apply balance and talk about the good things too, but the good things can fuck off for the moment. I’m sick of balance. Gah.